Spring Break Survival Kit

As I arrived on campus this morning and made my way through the West Mall, or The Gauntlet as I like to call it, I was handed a "Spring Break Survival Kit" by a co-ed representing University Health Services. It was a green, hard-shell, zippered sunglasses case. And when I opened it, this is what I found:

• one sample packet of Banana Boat sunscreen - thank you very much
  
• one condom, wrapped in a cover printed with the assurance "Relax, we've got you covered"
• one small tube of ID Glide sexual lubricant
• one handy-dandy blood alcohol calculator, subdivided for men and for women
  
• a card demonstrating the "Bacchus Maneuver", apparently the correct position in which drunken and unconscious friends should be placed so as to prevent asphyxiating on their own vomit (This, by the way, is one of Greg's greatest fears.) On the back are listed the warning signs of alcohol poisoning and a somber reminder that "Friends don't let friends die drunk"
• a card advertising confidential HIV and STD testing
• and finally a card explaining emergency contraception
  

I see all this and I think to myself God, I should have had more youthful indiscretions when I had the chance. Not that I particularly want to contend with STD's or drinking myself into oblivion, of course. But as it was, my 18-to-22-year-old-undergrad self kept entirely too busy being such a damn Good Girl. I never once drank so much that I woke up with blocks of lost memory. There were no orgies or anonymous sex. There were no hard-core drugs. I didn't even know what pot smelled like until I moved up to Boulder - trying it at least once is a prerequisite for living there, by the way. Thinking back, I let so many debaucherous opportunities slip by. I mean, some really fantastically juicy stuff too. Things I would always remember. Things that bring a naughty smile to my face until I remind myself that I didn't actually take advantage of them.

Like a chump, I abstained and kept at least a semblance of virginal innocence (if not actual virginal innocence). I'm sure I made Mama real proud though.

Ah, missed opportunities. ::sigh:: Whattaya gonna do?