High Hopes from Craigslist

My friend Chris just passed this on to me. Its a hilarious personal ad listed on Craigslist by someone here in Austin. If I were single and were so inclined to post a personal ad, I would want mine to read exactly like this...

...well, maybe with a few minor modifications.

Austin blonde seeks soulmate/dream-man - 28

Reply to: pers-427440031@craigslist.org

Date: 2007-09-20, 1:15PM CDT

Seeking hot (but not too hot— no cocky bastards,) male, single, culturally-aware monogamist. Must be d/d-free, non-smoker. 6' tall or over is strongly preferred, but no giants.

Must enjoy concerts, balconies/patios/decks, my gay cat, and high-maintenance blondes who think they know everything and try to tell everyone what to do all the time, but only because they're trying to help. Must be able to throw me over your shoulder and/or drag me across the parking lot by my hair when I get out of hand.

Must have a really good job - I'm expensive.

No Aggies. No D&D. No BDSM (fuzzy handcuffs excluded.)

Must have no hang-ups about prescribed and truly effective psychotropic medications, discreet and classy acrylic nails, or 2 hours of hair-blow-drying time, 2 to 3 times per week.

No red-meat eaters. Pescetarians preferred, but not required.

(look it up.)

Mac-users only; no PCs.

NO PROFESSIONAL MUSICIANS, ROADIES, BOUNCERS, BARTENDERS, OR WAITERS.

Must hate the Dave Matthews Band.

Must understand the meaning of the term "post-punk." Former high school freaks and weirdos preferred. Record collectors are a HUGE plus. Must love The Smiths and/or The Cure and/or Radiohead and/or The Pixies. Dandy Warhols fans and Shins fans get extra points.

Must generally prefer Red River, South Congress, and the east side over 6th Street (concerts at the Parish excluded.)

College degree required, but equivalent work experience may be acceptable, depending on the situation. Extra points for grad school, but no 'professional students.'

No gym-rats.

Must truly truly truly enjoy oral sex- the giving part. This is crucial. It's a total deal-breaker. Reciprocation will be frequent, excellent, and enthusiastic.

ABSOLUTELY NO RACISTS OR HOMOPHOBES.

Also, no neo-cons or Evangelical Christians. In fact, any kind of Christian is gonna have a pretty rough time. Agnostics and Buddhists preferred. Atheists ok.

Tattoo-free is preferred. A few discreet ones are ok, but not if they involve cartoon characters, barbed wire, or daggers. Or skulls. Or dragons or snakes.

Moderate drinking is strongly preferred over non-drinkers, but that doesn't mean it's ok to be a drunk. No drunks!

No metalheads. It's ok if you were into that stuff growing up, but you shouldn't have any Iron Maiden in your car, man. Not cool.

No 20-somethings. 30+ only please. 36 is perfect. Under 40 is preferred, but if you seriously meet all of these requirements, I don't care if you're 110.

My hair hangs to about 5 inches below my shoulders; yours should be significantly shorter. No hippies. No vagabonds. Must not frequently describe yourself as "outdoorsy" or "free-spirited," but environmentally conscious recyclers are preferred.

Metrosexuals ok, but no crunchy hair gel.

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO YANKEES FANS!!! Seriously. That's a big one.

Must not aspire to ever moving to Dallas, or even consider it, honestly. Unless its for a job with a mid-six-figure or higher salary, and you're not opposed to having a stay-at-home wife. Must definitely want marriage and kids-- no being wishy-washy about it.

Home ownership preferred, but not required.

CAR OWNERSHIP REQUIRED, but no Hummers.

Must have all teeth. If one got knocked out during a baseball game when you were a kid, that's fine, but you should have a prosthetic or a bridge or something by now, right? I mean, come on.

Must not pee on the DVD player or in the t-shirt drawer or similar because you thought it was the toilet while half-drunk and half-asleep in the middle of the night.

No frequent free-ballers.

No light-sleepers. Insomniacs ok. But if you're one of those guys who wakes up in the morning and walks around and talks to me and everything, but you're not actually awake, and you're not making any sense, then forget it. That seriously frustrates me.

Must use better than average grammar, syntax, and vocabulary. Off-the-cuff ability to accurately define the word "ironic" is a plus. Must not ever use the following words or phrases:

coolio

dealio

chillin' like a villain

Must not ever call me "sweetie" because I totally hate that.

I'm going to reiterate this one: drug-free. Seriously.

No blow, even if it's only occasional. No potheads. No former potheads who still own "420" baseball caps. Nobody who claims, "I only do mushrooms like once a year when I go camping with my buddies from high school." Nobody who will ask me to do X with them "just this once" at some New Years' Eve party or outdoor music festival.

Must live alone. No roommates.*

*Special allowances may be granted in extreme situations, at my discretion, but not if your 'roommates' are also your parents.

Must hate George W. Bush.

Okay, hate is a strong word- must adamantly disapprove of the presidential leadership of George W. Bush. Daily Show viewers are preferred.

Being an animal-lover (or at least animal-friendly) is a requirement. Cat-owners preferred, but dog-owners are ok (unless your dog is huge AND stinky AND sheds all over the place AND jumps all over me and licks me, because I hate that.) NO HUNTERS.

NO WORLD OF WARCRAFT ENTHUSIASTS. No role-players or gamers. Ownership of PS2 or equivalent is not preferred, but may be accepted if playing is mild and infrequent and generally gets old after about an hour.

No chain-wallets. No emo fans. Must own more pants that actually fit than pants that would allow others to see your underwear if you lifted up your shirt.

No frequent golfers. No Round Rock residents or Dell employees (unless aspiring to change residency/employment in the very near future.)

Must be kid-free, but no virgins.

No felons.



Now I ask you, is that really so unreasonable?